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20 Dirty Jokes That Will Never Fail You

20 Dirty Funny Adult Jokes

What does “Dirty mean” in this case?

A smutty story, as in Teenagers love to tell dirty jokes . The use of dirty in the sense of “obscene” or “indecent” dates from the late 1500s, but its application to a joke began only in the 20th century. The same sense also appears in such expressions as dirty book , for a pornographic book; dirty old man , for a middle-aged or elderly lecher; and dirty word or talk dirty , for a lewd, offensive expression or sexually explicit conversation.

Let’s start with “20 Dirty Jokes That Will Never Fail You”

1.

I went to the doctors recently.

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”.

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. Fatty don’t eat anything.”

2.

Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy “Look at this big sum bitch!” The other alter boy says “You can’t say that you’re an alter boy” to which he explains “thats the name of the fish, sum bitch.” “Wow, well that is a big sum bitch, lets go show it to the priest!”

The two boys run up to the priest yelling, “Priest look at this big sum bitch we caught!” Priest- “You boys can’t talk like that you’re alter boys!” Alter boys- “Priest thats the name of the fish, sum bitch” Priest- “Well that is a nice sum bitch, lets go catch some more of those sum bitches and show em to the cardinal!”

So the priest and the boys catch some more of those sum bitches and carry them to show the cardinal. “Cardinal, look at all these sum bitches we caught!” Cardinal- “I should have you all excommunicated for language like that!” Alter boys- “Well thats the name of the fish, sum bitch” Cardinal- “I never in my life have seen such a fine bunch of sum bitches, lets take them to the nuns and see if she’ll cook up these sum bitches!”

So the alter boys, the priest and the cardinal go see the nun. “NUN! Can you cook up these sum bitches for us?!?!” Nun- “I aint cooking nothing if you boys are gonna talk like that!” Alter boys- “Nun thats the name of the fish, sum bitch!” Nun- “Well since you boys went through the trouble of catching all these sum bitches, I reckon I could fry these sum bitches up!”

That night the pope is visiting town and sets down for supper with the alter boys, priest, cardinal, and nun.

Alter boys- “I can’t believe we caught all these sum bitches!” Priest- “These are the best sum bitches I have ever ate!” Cardinal- “Nun, you cooked these sum bitches just right!” Nun- “I sure did, you boys gotta catch some more of these sum bitches!”

The pope looks around at everyone with a surprised look on his face. He cracks a grin and says…….”Y’all mother fuckers are alright!”

3.

A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”

4.

A man is getting a checkup.

Doctor: “You have to stop masturbating.”

Man: “Why?”

Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

5.

A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

6.

A man walks into a bar…

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, “Sure, I’ll take a bet. What’s your action?”

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it’s easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his glass eye and bites down on it.

Laughing, the man sees that the bartender is upset about losing his money, so he offers him a chance to win it back. “Double or nothin’ says I can bite my other eye.”

The bartender thinks it over. He knows he was just tricked out of $50 but he also knows that this man can’t possibly have two glass eyes, so he pulls another $50 from the register and accepts the man’s bet.

The man promptly takes out his false teeth and gently closes them around his other eye.

Now the bartender is visibly angry to have been had for $100, and the man’s laughter isn’t helping. Just before he throws him out of his bar, the man puts his hand up.

“Real sorry about that, pal. I get people with that bit all the time, but you’ve been a good sport, so I’ll give you another chance to win some cash. I’ve got… $500 that says if you slide a shot glass down the bar top, I can run alongside of it and piss into the glass without missing a drop. This is kinda hard for me to do, though, so I think it’s fair if you give me two chances at it.”

The bartender, eager to win his money back from the man, thinks to himself and realizes just how hard it would be for this man to piss into a shot glass while running at full speed. Especially knowing he only has one eye to line up his shot. After a minute of deliberation, he willingly accepts the bet.

The man drops his pants to his ankles and when the bartender puts the shot glass down on the counter, shouts a resounding, “Go!” prompting the bartender to slide it along the bar top.

The man chases after it, holding his dick at an angle to properly aim it. However, pissing while running at full speed isn’t easy, so he only manages to get a couple of drops in the glass by the time it reaches the other end.

Catching his breath, the man reminds the bartender he has a second try, and that the first was simply to get his bearings straight. Once again, he shouts, “Go!” giving the bartender his cue to send the shot glass back down the bar.

Once again, the man chases wildly after it, spraying piss all over the bar top, stools, floor, and even hitting some of the bottles of liquor behind the bar. However, not one drop of urine found it’s way into the shot glass.

Head hanging low, he hands the bartender $500, to which the bartender gleefully accepted, jumping up and down in joy and cheering in victory at the cash he had just made.

All of a sudden, a man in the back of the bar slams his fist hard against his table and screams “Fuck!” at the top of his lungs.

The bartender mutters aloud, “I wonder what his problem is.”

To which the man replies, “Oh, I just bet that guy $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar and you’d be so happy about it you jumped up and down with joy.”

7.

A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

“I have two pieces of bad news,” the doctor says.

“What are they?”

“Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer.”

“What’s the 2nd piece of news?” he asks.

“Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer’s.”

The man laughs and says, “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

8.

A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel.

As he’s checking in, he says to the clerk, “I’m on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled”

The clerk replies in disgust, “It’s just regular porn, you sick fuck”

9.

An elderly gentleman goes to his doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

The next morning, the man returns and the doctor greets him. He hands the doctor the empty jar. The doc asked what happened?

The old man begins “You see, I came home, and first tried with my right hand. And then with my left. I tried with both hands and still nothing… I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, and then both, still nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first teeth in then teeth out… Still nothing.

We decided to call over our neighbor, lovely young woman, helps us out time to time. She said she would come over to help. She tries with her right hand, then her left. With both… She tried with her mouth, first teeth in then teeth out, she even stuck it between her knees….”

The doctor cut him off… “YOU ASKED YOUR NEIGHBOR?!”

Old man simply responds, “Why yes, None of us could get the Jar open!!!”

10.

A man and his wife are running out of money. Now out of options, the wife decides to take up prostitution to get some money.

The husband takes her to the corner of the street, and later comes back that night, picking up his wife. He turns to her and asks “how much did you make”, she replies “$200.05”

The husband double takes and says “who’s the asshole who paid you 5 cents?” and the wife says “all of them”

11.

A husband comes home and finds a wife furiously packing a suitcase. He asks what she’s doing and she replies “I’m leaving you! I hear you can get paid $250 for a blow job in Vegas”

The man starts packing his bags and the wife asks “what are YOU doing?”

“I’m coming to Vegas too.”

“What the hell for?”

“I want to see how you can live on $500 a year.”

12.

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew. After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorry, but I just can’t hold back anymore. How did you get your peg leg?”

The captain says “arr, ‘twas me first day at see as a young lad. A great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me out, a giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off me leg.”

The man goes “That sounds terrible! What happened to your hand?”

The captain says “arr, ‘twas me second day at sea. Another great big swell came from the sea and knocked me overboard. Before me crew could pull me up, the giant one eyed fish swam up and bit off my hand.”

The man tells the captain it sounds like the fish has it out for him, and asks what happens to his eye.

The Captain says “arr, ‘twas me third day at see. I was looking up at the sky when a bird came and shat in me eye”

The man says “and that’s how you lost your eye?”

The captain responds “no, but twas me first day with the hook”

13.

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

14.

Two men are on opposite sides of a river. The first man shouts to the second, “How do I get to the other side of the river?”

The second man shouts back, “You are on the other side of the river!”

15.

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum. And one night, one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more and decide to escape. So they get up onto the roof, and there, just across a narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away to freedom.

The first guy jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend did not dare make the leap. He’s afraid of falling.

So the first guy has an idea, he says ”Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!”

But the second guy just shakes his head. He says ”What do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was half way across!”

16.

Four guys are hanging out. One of them says, “Hey, did you know 1 out of ever 4 guys is gay?”

Larry says, “I hope it’s Tony because he’s really cute.”

17.

A man went to Spain on his vacation. He stopped by a restaurant and saw an interesting dish. He asked the waiter about it, who said: “Son los cojones del toro, the balls of the bull sir. we serve it once a day after the bullfights.” The man places an order for the next day, and leaves.

When he comes back the next day and gets his dish, he looks at it for a minute and notices something is wrong. He calls the waiter over and says: “Excuse me, but why are these so much smaller than those from yesterday?” the waiter pauses, looks around, and replies: “well señor, sometimes the bull wins”.

18.

I was on a blind date with this girl…
And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed.
She asked: “what’s the best way?” I said “a big knife.”
She laughed and said “you’re funny.”
I said, “wise choice.”

19.

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch and told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”The rancher said, “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there.”, as he pointed out the location.The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!” The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs….. “Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

20.

“Did you hear about that new movie ‘Constipation'”?

(To which everyone answers no)

“Thats because it hasn’t come out”

What do you think?

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