20 Must-Read Jokes for a Good Chuckle

A conditional joke is a joke meant for a qualified audience only. If a joke requires from the audience a certain knowledge or a belief, then Ted Cohen calls such jokes hermetic. Possessing prior knowledge and understanding of the topic, which in turn enables them to understand the joke. Such ability is also called the prerequisite condition for laughter. The conditional joke is one of two main categories of jokes, according to Ted Cohen; the main one being a universal joke, which does not require familiarity with the hermetic language of a conditional joke.^[1]

Conditional jokes often depend on the internalized negative stereotypes held by the audience toward a targeted group of people. Such affective disposition can also explain the persistence of ethnic jokes in multicultural societies. Although they can be understood by many, the conditional jokes usually don’t make ridiculed individuals laugh at the punch line.^[1][2]

THE CONTEST

Darryl and Harold were the best patients in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go. Darryl was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said “yes” and the doctor proceeded.”Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?”Darryl said, “I’d be half blind.””That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?””I’d be completely blind.”The doctor stood up, shook Darryl’s hand, and told him he was free to go. On Darryl’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Harold went into the doctor’s office when he was called. The doctor went through the formalities and then asked, “What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?”Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, “I’d be half blind.” The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?””I’d be completely blind,” Harold answered.”Harold, can you explain how you’d be blind?””My hat would fall down over my eyes.”

THE TURTLE

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch watched the turtle with pain.Suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”

A BRIEF EXAMINATION

Ann woke up one morning and discovered her dog Fluffy was not moving. She brought Fluffy to the vet. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.”Are you sure?” Ann asked with tears in her eyes. “Isn’t there anything else you can do for Fluffy?”The vet replied, “Well, there is one more thing we could try.”He disappeared in the back room for a second and came back carrying a cat in his arms. He put the cat on the table next to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe, jumped off the table and ran back into the other room.”Well, that confirms it,” the vet announced. “Your dog is dead.””How much do I owe you?” Ann sighed.”That will be $250,” the vet replied.”What?” Ann yelled. “What did you do that cost $250?””Well,” the vet replied, “it’s $50 for the office visit and $200 for the cat scan.”

THE NEIGHBOR’S PET

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!”If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they’ll hate me forever,” he thought.So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he snuck inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside. “Did you hear that Fluffy died?” the neighbor asked.”Oh. Uhmm… Sorry to hear that. What happened?” Chris mumbled.The neighbor replied, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!”

QUASIMODO

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringers job.The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!””No matter,” said the man, “Observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?””I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”(but wait, there’s more…)The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there’s a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.The first man to approach him said, “Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,clutched at his chest and died on the spot.Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?” the first breathlessly asked, “Who is this man?””I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

SPECIAL HORSE

There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?” The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”Not paying much attention, the man says, “Sure, ok.” So he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he say, “Thank God, thank God,” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, “Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God” and the horse just takes off.Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!” Finally he remembers, “Amen!!”The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God.”

INSULTS IN THE COURTROOM

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.After the trial he asked the judge, “Does this mean that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?” The judge said that was true.”Does this mean I cannot call a pig, ‘Mrs. Johnson’?” the man asked.The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig ‘Mrs. Johnson’ with no fear of legal action.The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”

COWBOY IN CHURCH

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. “When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.”You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.”I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.”The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.”Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.”That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.”Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.”You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.”Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.”Pew,” Charlie retorted.”Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”

THE DIAGNOSIS

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes in with the results.”I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.””Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?””Ten,” the doctor says sadly.”Ten?!?!” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?””Nine…”

A GOOD PROVIDER

A woman appealed to the Governor about getting her husband out of the penitentiary.”What is he in for?” asked the Governor.”For stealing a ham,” she replied.”That doesn’t sound too bad. Is he a good worker?””No, I wouldn’t say that. He’s pretty lazy.””Oh… well, he’s good to you and the children, isn’t he?””No, he’s not. Truth be told, he’s pretty mean to us.””Why would you want a man like that out of prison?” the governor asked in disbelief.”Well, Governor, we’ve been out of ham for quite a spell now.”

BLONDE’S AND DETECTIVE WORK

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.”This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.”Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.”The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?””That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

DATING DINOSAUR BONES

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.””That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

NATIVE TONGUE

A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue–including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested. When he had gone, an American soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.”No,” I confessed.”Then that explains,” she said, “why you didn’t bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train.”

VOLUNTEER FIRE DEPARTMENT

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department`s work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1,000.A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.”That should be obvious,” he responded. “The first thing we`re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.”

POOR PREACHER

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.””Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?””Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

DULL SERMON

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church’s board following the close of the service.The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.”You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members,” explained the minister.”I know,” said the man, “but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

AFTER SURGERY

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.The doctor assured the nurse, “Don’t worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic.”

THE BLUE SUIT

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the undertaker that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?””No,” she insists as she hands him a check to buy one. “It must be blue.”When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her… So I switched the heads.”

MONKS AND FLOWERS

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too.So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

MICROSOFT VS. GENERAL MOTORS

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.”If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, “You would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles with a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.”In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replies, “Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?”