Dad Jokes: 70 Best Dad Jokes That You Will Not Forget

Dad Jokes: 70 Best Dad Jokes That You Will Not Forget” is a side-splitting collection guaranteed to tickle your funny bone! Bursting with timeless wit and classic humor, this compendium showcases the pinnacle of dad jokes, those delightful quips that elicit groans and giggles in equal measure. From pun-tastic wordplay to clever one-liners dad jokes, each of dad jokes is handpicked to deliver maximum laughter. Whether you’re a seasoned dad jokes aficionado or a newcomer to the genre, this book promises endless amusement and unforgettable chuckles for all ages. Prepare to embark on a hilarious journey through the world of dad humor – it’s a laughter-filled ride you won’t soon forget!

70 DAD JOKES

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

_________________________________

Have you heard about two thieves who stole a calendar?

Each of them received six months.

_________________________________

Why is the Terminator bulletproof?

Because he’s an armored Schwarzenegger.

_________________________________

Sometimes I pull my knees to my chest and lean forward.

That’s how I ride.

_________________________________

I’ve been in Rome for several weeks now.

I’m trying to get out, but all the roads have a strange design flaw.

_________________________________

Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra?

You will never be able to find the barcode.

_________________________________

I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

It turns out that people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

_________________________________

My wife asked me to pass her the lipstick, but I accidentally passed her the sticky stick.

She still won’t talk to me.

_________________________________

I took my 8 year old daughter to the office with me. As we walked around the office, she started crying and being very fussy, so I asked what was wrong with her.

As my colleagues gathered around, she sobbed loudly: “Dad, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!”

_________________________________

My deaf friend just said to me, “I think we need to talk.”

This is not a very good sign.

____________________________

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

_________________________________

Tequila won’t fix your life…

But it’s definitely worth a try.

_________________________________

I was going to share a joke about airplanes.

But I don’t think it will take off.

_________________________________

My grandfather started walking 5 kilometers a day when he was 60.

He is now 97 and we have no idea where he is.

_________________________________

My girlfriend left me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who crawled back?

_________________________________

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.

I said I don’t hate your relatives, in fact, I love your mother-in-law much more than I love mine.

_________________________________

Why do the French eat snails?

They don’t like fast food.

_________________________________

I would tell you a chemical joke.

But I doubt it will cause a reaction.

_________________________________

Today I went to the doctor and he told me that my sugar is too high.

So I went home and moved it to the bottom shelf.

_________________________________

My landlord says he needs to come and talk to me about my heating bill being too high.

I told him, “My door is always open.”

_________________________________

Scientists have invented artificial vocal cords.

The result speaks for itself.

_________________________________

Can you tell whether an ant is a boy or a girl by throwing it into water?

If he drowns, then it is an ant girl.

If he swims, then he is an ant boy.

_________________________________

Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they are good at it.

_________________________________

What did the atheist say when he died and met God?

Well, I’ll be damned.

_________________________________

Do you know why one side is longer when birds fly in a V shape?

Because there are more birds on the other side.

_________________________________

My friend is obsessed with the monorail.

He really only has one direction of mind.

_________________________________

I always carry a photo of my wife and children in my wallet.

I do this to remind myself why there is no money.

_________________________________

Who cares if I don’t know what the apocalypse is?

It’s not the end of the world.

_________________________________

Son: “Why is the food so cold and bland?”

Dad: “Because your mom put her heart and soul into it.”

_________________________________

The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady.

And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

_________________________________

I saw my slightly drunk wife screaming at the TV: “Don’t go there! Don’t go to church, you fool!

She watched our wedding video again.

_________________________________

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb must want to change.

_________________________________

My chameleon has stopped changing colors.

I think he has reptilian dysfunction.

_________________________________

What do you call an Arabian alligator?

Ali-Gator.

_________________________________

Apple makes its own car, but there are some problems.

They can’t install Windows.

_________________________________

Awareness of diarrhea begins tomorrow.

Works for 2 days.

_________________________________

A mosquito landed on my wife’s face.

The simplest decision in my life.

_________________________________

I just quit my job at the helium plant.

I don’t want to be spoken to in that tone.

_________________________________

My neighbor talks to her cat as if she can understand her.

I said this to my dog and we both laughed about it.

_________________________________

I really like to poop…

…but I hate doing paperwork.

_________________________________

If I had to evaluate the solar system,

then I would rate it one star.

_________________________________

Do you know what is the main cause of dry skin?

Towel.

_________________________________

My son asked me what procrastination means.

I said I’ll tell him later.

_________________________________

I spent all my savings on fine art.

I have more Monets than common sense!

_________________________________

What is blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

_________________________________

I didn’t think I would enjoy being the host of a parasite.

But he really grew on me.

_________________________________

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but I can’t tell them to you.

None of them work.

_________________________________

The hairdresser next to me was arrested for selling drugs. I have been his client for many years.

And I never knew that he was a hairdresser…

_________________________________

Have you heard about that restaurant on the moon?

The food is great but there is no atmosphere.

_________________________________

Why didn’t anyone say anything when the queen farted?

Because noble gases do not cause a reaction

_________________________________

Have you heard of the Coronavirus meme?

It went viral!

_________________________________

You know, sometimes when I’m lying in bed, looking up at the vast night sky, counting every star and watching the moon slowly pass by, I think to myself:

“Where the hell is my roof?”

_________________________________

Why do a flock of sheep never remember anything?

Insufficient RAM.

_________________________________

My wife and I decided that we didn’t want to have children.

We’ll tell them about it tomorrow.

_________________________________

I’m reading a book about antigravity.

I can not stop.

_________________________________

Why is a koala not a real bear?

It did not meet all the requirements of the coalition.

_________________________________

There are two reasons why you should not drink eau de toilette:

Number one and number two

_________________________________

3 years ago my doctor told me that I was going deaf.

I haven’t heard anything from him since then.

_________________________________

How did you make a farmer’s daughter fall in love with you?

Tractor!

_________________________________

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.

I told her I didn’t plan to spend that much.

____________________________

My boyfriend gave me a ring for Valentine’s Day.

And it got to my voicemail.

____________________________

What do you call someone born on Valentine’s Day?

Child of love.

____________________________

My grandfather said that we young people rely too much for technology.

I replied: “No, it’s you” – and turned off his system life support.

____________________________

Wife: “I look fat. You can give me a compliment to cheer me up.”

Husband: “Your eyesight is excellent.”

____________________________

What do you call someone who regularly attacks people?

An experienced criminal.

____________________________

What do you call a vampire whose balls have been cut off?

Transylvanian.

____________________________

We had a dog at the auto repair shop that once drank a whole pan of gasoline. The dog ran, ran as fast as you’ve ever seen, and then just stopped and fell to the ground.

It ran out of gas.

____________________________

Coronavirus has arrived in the USA.

Mexico now dreams of a wall.

____________________________

Today was a terrible day. First, my ex was hit by a bus.

And then I lost my job as a driver.

____________________________

What do you call Vietnamese food?

Viet-yum-yum-yum!