Hilarious Adult Jokes to Lighten Up Your Day

As old Muller used to say: it is impossible to calculate the logic of a non-professional, especially if he considers himself a professional and holds the position of a professional.

– Listen, friend, it so happened, that I won’t be able to come to your wedding. But I promise that I will definitely come to the next one.

Q:Your emotional state?

A: I’m waiting for the apocalypse.

Two former classmates meet:

– Well, which of our people has made a dizzying career?

– Peter!

– He was a rare fool!

– Why was?! He is still a rare fool, even though he is a governor.

– Let’s say you have $400, your ex needs $100, and your current one needs $200, how much do you have left?

– $400 and a bunch of unread messages.

The first psychotherapist was Jewish. Because only a Jew could think of talking to people for money.

Guys, remember the main rule of the herpetologist – the brighter the color, the more poisonous the individual!

As a child, I was an avid stamp collector. Then they were canceled and I switched to the euro. I hope my hobby will provide me with a comfortable old age.

I am far from impotent, but your intellect suppresses my libido.

Please don’t speak so quickly, otherwise I won’t have time to give a damn about everything you say.

The need for concentrated attention is always accompanied by an irresistible desire to be distracted.

Olya usually doesn’t sleep with guys on the first date,but this time she couldn’t stand it and fell asleep.

Migrants are people, who come from one country to another country in order to hate the country that adopted them for its own money.

— When you served in the army, did you kill?
— I served as a cook, so it’s possible.

Pilots undergo an annual medical examination. One pilot comes into the office, undresses, and his whole back is covered in calluses.

“What do you have?” – asks the doctor.

“Mmm, that’s… I work in transport aviation. We have to help unload and load the plane. That’s where I got it.”

“Okay… Good.”

Another pilot comes in, takes off his clothes, and has a huge callus on his butt.

-???

“Mmm, that’s… I’m a civil aviation pilot. I am constantly in a chair, I almost never get up. That’s where I got them.”

“Okay… Good.”

A third man, a military fighter pilot, comes in, undresses, and has a huge bruise on his chest.

“What do you have?” – asks the doctor. “I don’t understand. There were transport and civil aviation pilots before you, so they…”

The pilot interrupts the doctor:

“Are they pilots??!! I’m the pilot!!!” (beats himself in the chest with his fist).

Good advice: Before you spend money on the services of clairvoyants, psychics, witches and other charlatans, think carefully about why we never see newspaper headlines: “A clairvoyant won the lottery”?!

“Oh, help, help, he is raping me!”

“Why are you yelling? I paid!!”

“It’s so, but you time is up”

A suspicious and capricious lady sits in a restaurant, studies the menu and cannot choose what to order. The waiter recommends her signature dish – jellied tongue.

“Do you really think that I will put in my mouth something that has already been in someone’s mouth,” the lady is indignant.
The waiter thought for a second and then suggested:

:What if you order scrambled eggs?:

A man walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich and a wet cat. The waiter comes to take your order. The man orders a beer, turns to his companions and asks, “What about you?” Ostrich: “I’ll take beer too,” Cat: “Me too.”
The waiter brings the order: “Your price is 6.20.” The man takes money out of his pocket without looking, gives it to the waiter – exactly 6.20. The next evening the picture repeats itself, and again the man, without looking, takes the required amount out of his pocket.
Once again this company comes and orders double whiskey.
The waiter brings the order: “Your price is 19.70.” Again the man takes the amount out of his pocket without change. The waiter could not resist and asked:

“Listen, I understand that everyone has their own company, there are no questions, but how do you manage to get money without change?”

“Well,” the man answers, “a couple of years ago I inherited a house, and in the attic I found a lamp, and there was a genie in it.” And my first desire was to always have as much money in my pocket as I needed.

“Perfect!” — the waiter admired.

“I always have only the amount that I need: buy matches or a Rolls-Royce…”

“What about the second and third wishes?” – asked the waiter.

“I wished that there would always be a chick with long legs and a wet “pussy” next to me…”

Modern women wear wigs, dye their hair, apply false eyelashes and nails, undergo body contouring and facelifts, and insert silicone boobs. …
And they also complain that it’s difficult to meet a real man now!

Everyone said that it is enough to wear a mask and gloves, so as not to get infected when you go out.
They were lying!
When I arrived at the store, it turned out that they were still wearing clothes.

Laugh More, Live Better!

Feeling a bit down? Need a quick pick-me-up? There’s no better remedy than a hearty laugh! Dive into the world of jokes and let the joy of humor brighten your day. Reading jokes not only lifts your spirits but also brings people closer, creates memorable moments, and reduces stress. So why wait? Read a joke, browse jokesradar.com, or share a funny story with a friend. Let’s spread smiles, one joke at a time. Read more jokes and let laughter be your daily dose of happiness! 😄