jokesradar.com
Discover a treasure trove of laughter with “Short Clean Jokes to Share Daily.” Our collection features the funniest, family-friendly jokes perfect for brightening anyone’s day. Updated daily, these quick quips and clever punchlines are ideal for sharing with friends, family, and colleagues. Whether you’re looking for a quick giggle or a hearty laugh, our jokes are guaranteed to amuse and entertain without offending.
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“Even the gods love jokes”
 Plato
A millionaire got sick.
Relatives gathered at the bedside of the patient:
-Tell us, doctor, is there any hope?
-Absolutely no! He has an ordinary cold.
Marriage notice:
« I am looking for a companion of life. Should be able to clean fish, dig worms. Must have a motor boat. Photo of the boat is required»
Cats can remember up to 120 orders.
But they do not want to.
Today I opened for my son a Chupa Chups…
You mother fuckers, it would be better to glue the shoes so!
My wife and I divorced and divided the apartment into 2 parts.
I got the outside part.
Good must be with fists!
The Russian Foreign Ministry recruited Steven Seagal…
Never say at an interview: “I did not drink specially yesterday, because this meeting is very important for me,” although this is often true.
I do not know how the living wage was calculated, but my cat, weighing 6 kg, is actually eating more in a month.
After watching the film, two film critics meet.
One of them yawns.
“I also wanted to say the same, colleague,” remarked the second.
I had one problem, so I decided to write a program that would solve it. Now I have 1 problem, 9 errors and 12 warnings.
My life is so arranged that if I suddenly go with the flow, it is necessarily against the wind.
At 98% I am a homely and modest person.
But oh the remaining 2%! …
The complicated problem was solved ingeniously simply: it was recognized as insoluble.
Money, maybe, spoil the person, but in my case they did not have such a chance.
Two friends are talking:
-I dreamed that I walk along the street completely naked, with only on my head a straw hat with flowers.
-Honey, it’s terrible. After all, these hats have long gone out of fashion!
Do not waste all the reserves of your charm at the first meeting, if you count on the second.
From family life.
-It’s time to stop these stupid, meaningless expenses, husband told to his wife.
-My dear, I do not spend more than you earn. I just spend a little faster.
Dear passengers! Unfortunately, at present all lifeboats are busy. Try another time!
Dissatisfied with life, usually earn money with – hands.
Sometimes you need to drink for the good of the business.
If this business is a well-organized booze.
The dogs running after the cars are the souls of the died traffic cops.
Dear parents, teach your children to eat with their left hand.
Oneday sitting behind computer they will thank you.
This year, the Government of the Netherlands allocated to combat drunkenness, 20 tons of marijuana.
“Mothers love their children more than fathers because they are more sure that these are their children … “ (Aristotle, 384-322 BC)
Night. Doorbell. A man wakes up and in a sleepy voice and asks:
-Who’s there?
From behind the door:
-Jean Claude Van Damme!
Man:
-I will come out and beat all four.
-What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
-I do not know and I do not care!
A young woman, crying, ran to her mother:
-My husband beat me.
-Your husband? But yesterday he went on a business trip!
-I thought so, too.
Parents, have found that their son is an onanist and called a psychiatrist.
Psychiatrist: Boy, please tell me: why are you doing this?
Boy: Well, I get pleasure from this and I sell my sperm in to sperm-bank. There I get paid 50 bucks. In a week I earn 250 dollars, 1000 per month.
Psychiatrist: Do your parents give you money?
Boy: No, they are unemployed.
Psychiatrist: I see.
Boy: Doctor what is wrong with me?
Psychiatrist: With you everything is all right, but your parents need to be treated !!!
One guy comes to the doctor, dumps on the floor of the cabinet a mountain of fishing gear, and says:
-Doctor, I will pay good money, just explain how from this I can catch a gonorrhea?
-Something I do not understand.
-What’s not clear, I somehow need to be justified before my wife.
A decent single man will get acquainted with a woman with serious intentions.
My phone number is 468-01-35.
If the female voice answers, say that you tangled the number.
On the beach:
-Girl, is the water warm today?”
-Did you forget, yesterday we already fucked!
Two Indians for the first time see water skiers.
-Why is this pie rushing with such furious speed?
-You must be blind, Wild Eagle, because they are being chased by these people on skis!
-Papa, I dreamed you bought me a little chocolate.
-If you will behave well, then you will dream that I bought you a bigger chocolate!
Deal with the devil is as a loan – first you receive, then you give.
Deal with God is as a pension – you give your whole life, then, perhaps, you get it, but it’s not certain.
The clever advisers advising you to leave the comfort zone to start living…
Please explain first how to get there.
News release:
-According to the Ministry of Emergency Situations, the situation with fires in the country has stabilized-everything burns!
Now the problem is not that we use all the shit of Chinese production, but that we do not produce it ourselves.
There is always the risk of taking an old asshole for a wise old man.
My friend likes coffee, I prefer tea, so when we meet, we drink vodka.
How easy it is to forgive the executioner who tortured not you!
Do you also sometimes think that the main function of Windows is updating Windows?
With the advent of children, any woman begins to understand that sleep is better than sex.
No matter how many elections were held in the cow herd, the shepherd always won with a large margin.
My cat fucked up.
It is very likely that the UK is behind this, because there is no other plausible explanation.
Briefly about life.
The goal is not clear. Time is limited. Enjoy the process.
Life is like toilet paper; you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
What is worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
What is the difference between your wife and your job? After five years, your job will still suck.
The only way you will ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
Spreading rumors? At least you’re spreading something else besides your legs.
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?
I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and
whisper “You did this.”
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”?
A: About three inches.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are… you have small boobs.
Why can’t you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.
Three words to ruin a man’s ego…?
“Is it in?”
Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
Q: Why can’t blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they’re 100%, off!
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.
Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.
Q: Why are women like KFC?
A: After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone-in.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
The only reason the term “Ladies first” was invented was for the guy to check out the woman’s ass.
Shut up, you’ll never be the man your mother is.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”
Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A: a rip-off.
Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year.
Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Are you a Nice girl or Good girl?
NICE girls blush when they watch porn; GOOD girls smile because they know they can do better.
Q: What’s a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbor said “Are you going to help?”
I said “No, six should be enough.”
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Q: What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!
I’m as bored as a slut on her period.
Did you know that your body is made 70% of water?
Q: Why do witches not wear underwear?
A: So, they get a better grip.
If a man talks dirty to a woman, that’s sexual harassment.
If a woman talks dirty to a man, that’ll be $6.50 a minute.
Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
Q: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
I love every bone in your body, especially mine.
Masturbating is wrong in some people’s eyes… Also, it burns.
It is better to have a hole in your hand than a hand in your hole.
You have the perfect face for radio.
This is so funny i am rotflmfao